I

I ate, I fucked, I smoked and fucked some more. This way and that, nothing sacred, hours upon hours, water, ice-lolly's, a long suck, a hard fuck and a mouthful of come, this way and that.

Insomnia

I remember it well - creeping and lurking, kicking and screaming and not letting me get a single restful eye of sleep. It consumed for nearly seven years and seemingly now is back, three nights of turmoil and thinking of ways to fill the hours until dawn makes its appeareance and sleep takes that natural urgency. I think there may be things on my mind. I fear the worse!

fucked up

It has been a geographical and emotional nightmare to date with specks of fairy dust to leave that lasting chasing taste on the tongue. It has been a rollercoaster, eternally scary, impossible to get off, controlled by the mystery hand of another and it has been bliss in a fucked up kind of way. Now.
Its sedation.
Mourning still consumes and throughts are banished, trod upon, jumped out until so distant and dreary they lose any real meaning. It is a point where everything should matter more than it does but in reality and in feeling, i feel nothing but an aching pain that morphs and evolves, mutates and spreads and finds different ways of fucking with me.

Sleep

There is no hope for a civilization which starts each day to the sound of an alarm clock.

Swings & Roundabouts

Indeed things are different.
Almost strange.
Following on the bandwagon of perversion into a world of school uniforms and al fresco activities the summer starts here. Where it finishes...... will be very interesting indeed.

Police

There was a phonecall from who was supposedly a police officer, warning, politely to stay away. So i did, have and will..............

NeverLand

Nothing is the same. Everything is different and that difference is a little disturbing. It is not a good frame of mind as the tears of a clown spring, dancing merrily through my active yet subdued mind. A man of contrary I am indeed. All is not well in the garden of My Nobody but at least its a garden, cloud with a silver lining kind of viewpoint.

I miss her eternally and I am not sure how anyone or anything is ever going to fill the hole she has left gaping in my life. Crying at hollyoaks at teatime and sitting in the rain under the garden tea lights at three, stars everywhere, flies nipping at my tears are not good places to be. Free flowing and energising yet filled with the sorrow of yesterday.

There have been so few that I have been in love with out of so many I have loved but out of all of them she was the one and its that singular fact that haunts and torments me daily and I can't seem to shake it. I sometimes manage two days thinking that everything is best but mostly i barely manage to make it past two hours. Her name resonating in my head, her smile atomically burned into my mind. Her voice carried in the wind and her smell, randomly and strangely stopping me in my tracks. I miss her more than the pain can be explained.
I am sure I am not alone in my misery and for all of her smiles, her candy smiles underneath lie the tears of a clown. I miss Pippy as intensely as her, the package seemingly wrapped in diamonte and shrouded in stardust. I miss my Wendy in my neverland kind of life.

Mr Nobody is for one night only Peter Pan, the boy that never grew up and learned not to play with love as you will only end up covered in fairy dust.

Hollyoaks

I found myself crying during Hollyoaks, in all fairness it was an emotional episode, but still, it is a very bad sign especially with a full restaurant about to pile in expecting food i wish i were not cooking.

Tundra

Tundra filled the cold room - the breeze icy and arctic a welcome contrast to the heat of the kitchen. The sun is fighting for existence, poking, hinting and then retreating... and still the drums roll and tundra hurtles through like an S&M roller coaster - studded and coarse, a sledgehammer to the senses.
It soothes, calms and clears the mind eventually becoming part of my soul. The windows rattle, the bottles shake and Archie is scared, ears twittering and tail nervously jigging.
It seven minutes of eary madness leaving me breathless and every time - a thousand more since nineteen seventy seven - leaving me wanting more.

Skag Knife

She pulled out her skag knife. It glinted, it appalled, it looked dirty and I longed for a closer look but it was gone as quickly as it became and once more i continue to look for the touch of the filthy skag knife.