Desire

It has been a love affair. It is still a love affair as I write. Ash falling off my naked body, smoke swirling all around and that taste, like the ash and crack taste that addicts find so difficult to never taste again, this tar and slime that coats the inside of my mouth has been there for so long it is normal. It is hard to break normal as then it becomes extraordinary, by default maybe, but nonetheless, the habit, the smoke, the skins and packets, hard tops and soft tops, different brands for different moods, plenty or none, scrapings of tobacco, the love affair has to stop. It is a two front battle though with smoking being both the mighty tobacco and the weed and both have had their day like the pink cardigan I should never have wore as a teenager or the gola trainers I insisted would be cool in twenty years, its more irony than observation I was right and that I still wear Gola trainers. Smoking has been with me since I hit twenty and taken hold like a monster that is never quite fed, always hungry, snarling like a beast. My cravings for all and everything smoke related has always threatened to manifest health, mind, body and spirit problems but only now am I starting to see their slimy marks all over this crazy thing I call my life. There never appears to be enough air anymore and wind is a total relief although a sporadic weather force in the height of summer. Those scurrying little things that only come out at night and under extreme duress have started to surface in the days, sometimes brazenly winking until I look and then they scurry and the mind, well the mind is perpetually unsettled like it is trying to work out a math problem just out of its reach, as so often it is the difference between the gutter and the stars. There is a financial aspect to it all too which many would argue is long overdue, but those many probably do not read anyway, so still a Mr Nobody I am. Smoking is soon to be a thing of the past. Booked in for hypnotherapy, made lots of soup, got lots of puzzles and big lists and interesting books to read as night changes into day once more with me still awake trying not to scratch out the walls or my eyes wondering why, why did i ever choose to quit smoking.